…completely by accident.
Ever have one of those moments in the night where you’re doing those last few things before bed and you find out something that a) you didn’t see coming, and b) you didn’t really think you needed to know in the first place?
That was me Monday night, at around 1am, as the remnants of the caffeine I plunged a couple of hours earlier was running through my system after some late evening website updates. I’ve had the last 48 hours to process what happened and I think I am, more or less, not over analyzing it anymore (which I do with everything!)
Checking my e-mail (as one does right before bed), I find an e-mail not meant for me, but my ex-girlfriend!
Any regular readers out there (if there are any – ‘Hello!’), will know I’ve been dealing with a broken heart for these last six months. Recovery is slow because this one was very important to me (not that I’ve had that many intimate and meaningful relationships)…but I kind of thought M was the one, really.
So yes, back to the e-mail: it was an airline check-in confirmation. For only that same afternoon (remember it was 1am, which meant the flight was due to leave in just over 12 hours). Immediately my body and mind go into overdrive, wave after wave of anxiety crashing into me (bloody coffee being the catalyst!), unsure of what was happening, but pretty sure I was having some form of an anxiety attack. Having never been diagnosed as one who could suffer from them I can’t be sure, but I know my body best and I know what I felt. Major life transitions, genetics and worries about future attacks are just a few causes that can be explored by a licensed physician.
I remember buying planes tickets to the Rocky Mountains for us both so we could attend a wedding together last summer, but M didn’t come, so we postponed her ticket and she paid me back (no problem there). But this wasn’t exactly how I thought I was going to find out she was using it. No sirrree!
After the eventual and very present feelings of dis-ease with this (a term that I found best defined in this book, by Lou Marinoff), I managed to come to some resolution about what action to take. Surely I couldn’t ignore it – what if M needed this confirmation? Therefore “doing the right thing” meant sending it to her. Which I did. Obviously hurt feelings and damaged hearts exist between the two of us, and we’ve hardly said “boo” to each other in the past four months, but I’d still be there for M if needed…I only hope she still believes that.
Now this brings me to the area of my coping skills, and like with everything else I’m trying to focus on with this blog (personal development, men’s work, etc.), it is that taking a more philosophical approach to understanding it all will help me satisfy the many different dis-eases I confront in my life, be they external or internal. To be comfortable with those around me, I must first become more comfortable with myself – this echoes in many aspects of my life and I know that I can’t be present with anyone until I’m at least present with myself.
I can’t say I’m getting it right, but I am finding the resources that I’ve been using have helped. A lot. For several months I had just checked out completely: with life, my friends, and many of activities that I enjoyed doing. Life is slowly returning, I’m feeling more energetic and I am gaining back ownership of what I lost bit by bit. It’s cathartic to write about these thing and I can’t help but see the setbacks these events can cause.
It’s how you respond to them I guess. And I intend to face each challenge head on, with an open mind and open heart and security in my being.