…assume less.
It’s interesting coming across such a simple, yet powerful quote like the one above. I came across it in the video below, and timing really is everything in the world. Male or female, I really recommend that you take a few minutes to check it out. It made an impact on me, so I’m happy to wait…
All good?
Great. Because I think this video, while yes, directly aimed at men, speaks to a bigger feeling common amongst men and women. However I’m going to turn my attention to the former and try to focus on that.
I think the crux of the video again speaks to the men who have come to a crossroads in their life and are beginning to ask certain questions, like ‘who am I?’, ‘what’s my purpose?’, or put more simply ‘what the hell am I doing?!’. This can happen at any age, and in any situation (be it marriage, fatherhood, divorce, graduation, death, etc.). Granted, not every man is ready to explore the most intimate parts of their soul, but personally speaking, that decision is taking shape for me in the here and now. And I’m trying to do it in the most honest way possible (through this blog from time-to-time).
As I said timing is everything and time itself dictates so much of our lives that even I forget to be present in the moment more often than not, but yesterday I attended an incredibly impactful event to do with men’s health and well-being.
It’s not an area I have focused much attention on (despite being a man myself).
The how and why
The Man Collective is an organisation created by two forward-thinking men trying to bring together the resources currently available for men in the UK. There is work being done out there, but the phrase “sticking your head above the parapet” came up several times, and that told me the work isn’t necessarily being done in the mainstream.
So it takes a lot of guts to speak up about the need for attention that men’s health is not currently getting (and handle the shit storm that came their way!) Having had the chance to meet one of the founders personally before the event took place, and being in a situation where I am today: trying to ask my own questions about my own development, I was inspired to take that next step forward! It’s not easy when you’re trying to understand a break-up (girlfriend) and break-down in a relationship you’ve known all your life (brother).
So here I am, and this is some of what I took away from the day.
First of all was the openness and ease in which the group of about 25 spoke about the work that they are personally doing in the UK now. Several different groups were represented (from as far West as Swansea, Wales, to the North in Leeds, and in the capital of London). We all shared our own stories. And aren’t stories the best way to learn about one another?
Give a man (or anyone for that matter) facts, figures and information, and the impact may not last that long, but stories, stories are where the connections are made, and stories are where resonance occurs, and that creates the lasting memory. We’ve been doing that for thousands of years!
One of the first presentations talked about the ‘Past Mistakes of Men’s Work‘ and I was surprised to learn that men’s work in the UK had existed, in some form, since the 1970s and according to the speaker, most likely came about as the men of the post-war generation ( the baby boomers) were beginning to come into their own. Unfortunately, the messages in the media they were most likely exposed to cast men in an unintelligent and useless light…they were schmucks! Was it any surprise that men of that time acted hostile towards the increasing women’s movement? It didn’t have to happen that way; that was the one of the past mistake of men’s work.
And as we move forward, the speaker conveyed the high-level of confusion men are experiencing now as a result of globalisation, corporate culture, and measuring the success of their lives via the retention of possessions. But it’s not about the car you drive, or the boat you own, or the salary you pull in. The biggest and most confusing issue is self-esteem, how is it that men are made to feel bad about themselves? It’s by chasing those achievements and making decisions based on the “should do” rather than the “want to do”. We all make choices, sometimes out of necessity, but are these the right choices? Not always.
So what happens when we hit the wall? We crash, and we crash hard. According to the speaker, men have a deep need to be with other men; it allows us to challenge one another with compassion and respect the differences of our peers. But this won’t happen by just going to the pub alone!
Men have to grow up very quickly nowadays (girls too), but so many men are still boys inside – yelling out for attention. The lack of rite of passage activities really came about for me during that day and that could be something as simple as learning to shave with your father, or having that summer canoe trip. Men (and boys) look for acceptance, and to be shown that what they are doing is okay. Confirmation is huge! I was lucky that I got that, in some form, from my own father, but quite honestly, I took that for granted. At least I’m in the position that I can try to work on that.
But I realise I’m getting a bit essayist with this post, so I will try to sum up now.
At the end of the day, I met some really good people, was shown a lot about the work being done in the UK and a need for more awareness to take place. Before I attended the Gathering I had a built in apprehension of telling people where I was going and what I was doing because I couldn’t predict their reaction. I’ve dealt with that now because I know you don’t have to go it alone! And, quite honestly, where’s the fun in that?
My personal transformation is obviously coming via a lot of negative events, and it’s high-time I faced that adversity head on. Because as James Joyce once said, “a man’s errors are the portals to his discovery.”
I know I’m not going to change the world alone, but if there are other men out there committed to getting things done, and showing other men that it doesn’t have to be as hard as you initially think it is then I am all for that!
