…and why it matters, but not in the way I was thinking it would be.
Funny “innit?” they say around these parts called the UK. Innit seems to be the way of confirming an expression you already hold as true in your own mind, express it, and then look for confirmation from whomever might be within earshot of hearing it. Innit?
I don’t know exactly what I’m looking to confirm, but after two long years, many hours of what could be perceived as hard work (with a bit of learning on the side), and one submitted dissertation later, I will receive my piece of paper telling me that I’ve made it. In 12 hours time I will have an MA in Publishing conferred on me, and I will have a piece of paper to hang on my wall to show for it. I think I was more excited when I graduated from my high school to be honest.
I haven’t can’t quite pinpointed why it hasn’t sunk in yet…it’s an achievement. Yes.
It shows commitment to seeing it all the way through two years of study. Yes.
And it should fill me up with some form of pride. But it’s not really there right now, I’m not connecting with it and I don’t know why. It bothers me.
Maybe it will be different tomorrow, for all I know I could just be tired and need to sleep. Tomorrow is the actual day: my class and I will gather in the Main Hall for 10am, listen to the wise words of several different honourable guests, walk up to the podium, be handed our paper, and sit down again.
Okay, so that sounds like the typical rigmarole, but where’s my overwhelming sense of achievement gone? It feels like it is hiding at the moment, and to be honest, if I was asked what it would be like to graduate with my MA a year ago, I would have said “it will be great!” But much of my life has changed, it’s not what it was a year ago…there has been dramatic change.
And this is what I’m struggling with. I’m lost at the moment, direction-less as to where my purpose is leading me. Do I even have a purpose, that’s one of my Big Questions. Where has my hunger gone? I thought I would get to share this moment with the people I love (and yes, some will be there with me), but not everyone I thought would be – that’s what’s hard to compute…tomorrow will be another day (in some ways) and in other ways very special. I just hope the special will win out sooner than later.
